Life is full of ups and downs, and sometimes the downs can feel overwhelming. But even in the darkest of times, there is always beauty to be found. In this personal blog post, I share my struggles with trauma and mental health, but I also highlight the moments of light and hope that have helped me through. I remind myself that life is both heartbreaking and soul-healing, and that it’s the people and communities I surround myself with that make it all worthwhile. So I take a deep breath, hold on through the tough times, and remember the breathtaking beauty of it all. This Thanksgiving, take some time to reflect on finding the beauty in life’s challenges.
It’s always a good time to focus on mental health. But I’ve especially found this to be true during the week of Thanksgiving. If there is any time it’s helpful to practice gratitude, it’s this week.
(Trying something new with this article… Mood music. I love Olafur Arnalds and listen to him frequently while I write. So, if you want to get the full effect from this article, listen to this playlist while you read.)
That’s something I’m trying to remind myself as I sit down to write after an extended break from this blog. I got extremely busy at work with back-to-back PKU video shoots since early September. In the span of about a month and a half, I traveled to Austin, Boston, Chicago, Dallas, New York City, and San Jose. I haven’t traveled like that since before the pandemic so I just didn’t have time for this blog. Things finally slowed down recently and now I’m trying to get back into it again. But I’ve had writer’s block for over a month at this point. Not in my daily journal. I’ve written more in it than I have in years. But I’ve had no idea what to share here.
And then I read this quote:
“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”
L.R. Knost
If you’ve read my previous articles, you’ll know… It’s no secret that I’ve had a rough year. I didn’t start this blog so I could put on a mask and pretend like everything is perfect in my world all the time. I wanted to do the opposite… Take off my mask and be as authentic and vulnerable as I can be. Yes, my current journey is about finding the beauty in life’s challenges. But some days, that’s really, really hard.
I took a break from social media during the pandemic and had very little interaction with those in the PKU community. And just when I started to emerge from my self-inflicted pandemic-era isolation I had the worst panic attack and resurgence of PTSD that I’ve had in 13 years.
Even after sharing my mental health story, I thought that getting that story out in the open would be therapeutic and cathartic, and it was. But I’ve also been on edge ever since.
There’s nothing like sharing your dark memories with the world to make you feel vulnerable and exposed. My mind has been stuck on an endless loop of memories I had buried… or thought I had buried. And it’s extremely isolating.
That’s the worst part about trauma… It isn’t just the specific images and sounds that won’t leave you alone… It’s the isolation of feeling like no one can possibly understand what you have experienced.
You feel isolated, and that makes you feel vulnerable, then you sense danger everywhere, your conditioned “fight or flight” response kicks in, and you find yourself questioning the actions and intentions of those around you. It’s a vicious cycle.
And then, something happens to break the cycle and you get relief, even if it’s only for a little while. For me, it was reading this quote.
“Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”
L.R. Knost
Yes, I saw a lot of disturbing things as a TV photojournalist. Images I can never forget that still keep me up at night. It had an impact on my mental health that I didn’t recognize at the time. It took over a year of being out of the TV news industry for me to realize those experiences weren’t normal, and that my heart had grown cold. Very cold. It took me a while to remember that the darkness is only one side of life. It is also stunningly beautiful.
I made it through my dark season before, and it was encountering the PKU community and throwing myself into advocacy that helped me see that beauty again. It’s the people in the PKU community. They are the beauty that I needed to see again. People struggling through life, but also trying to make a difference in the world.
I’ve been fortunate to travel across the world and meet some amazing people in our global PKU community. It’s been the best experience of my life. Producing videos is my profession and I love it. But what I love even more is meeting the people I interview and just talking with them. Or becoming friends with others with PKU who are doing amazing work in advocacy and media in our community, getting to know them, and just hanging out.
Doing life together. That’s the whole purpose of community. And it’s what keeps us going when times get rough.
The positive memories, the assurance we have spent our lives well by investing in other people… that’s what gets us through the dark times that will eventually come.
Life isn’t perfect. If things are going well for you now, just wait. Eventually, you will have a rough time for a while and your mental health can take a toll. It’s just a fact of life.
But if you live your life well then you have something to hold on to when it’s a challenge just to get out of bed.
So yes, I’ll admit it. I’m having a rough time right now. I don’t dwell on it in conversation. That’s why I keep a journal, so I can process it all. And, in my case, because I’ve chosen to keep this blog and write about what’s happening in my life, I choose to share it here. But what keeps me going is that I know this is only one part of my story. I’ve been through this before and I know the way out. Slow down and reflect on finding the beauty in life’s challenges.
Maybe you’re going through a rough time as well. Or maybe you haven’t had to go through a life-changing heartbreak yet. Either way, take heart. It won’t last forever.
One day you’ll wake up, and that heartbreak won’t be the first thing you think about. You’ll go throughout the day and maybe you’ll have an occasional reminder of it, but it won’t be on your mind constantly. If you make an effort to slow down, savor each moment, and truly appreciate the fragility of life, how fleeting and beautiful every moment is, over time you’ll discover something new in your heart.
Gratitude.
An existential awareness of how beautiful life is.
Something earned through hard experience.
Something no one can ever take away from you.
The only thing it takes is this… Never, never, never give up.
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